How to Be Merp

Forgetting Stuff is Easy

This time, I forgot that I drew a bunch of comics several weeks ago.  Comics that are sitting around and waiting to be used.  See below.

This one is from a road trip with Le Dad.  We had stopped at a rest area to eat snax, and a haggard-looking woman approached us.

And this one, like so many others, is unfortunately based on real life.

Graduation Ceremony Awards That Won't Put You to Sleep

FRANÇAIS

(English version after)

Recemment, j’ai eu l’honneur d’assister à la remise des diplômes du lycée de mon frère.  Les cérémonies et les sottises ont duré presqu’une semaine.  Il me faut dire que si jamais j’écoute un autre discours qui commence en définissant une idée comme « la justice » ou « le temps », ou qui inclue une citation de Dr. Seuss, je me lèverais et je vomirais en direction de l’orateur.  Un autre effet secondaire de la semaine passée est que maintenant je suis vaccinée de la musique classique.

Pendant la Cérémonie Traditionnelle de la Remise des Prix Supplémentaires aux Mêmes Cinq Personnes, ce qui avait l’audace de retarder encore le Renoncement Final des Diplômes, je rêvais un peu et j’ai inventé par accident un tas de nouveaux prix.

Bourse de Sneed H. Bargleworth

Pour ce/cette terminale dont le nom gagnerait le plus des points dans un jeu de Scrabble.

Coupe de Calvina B. Nerble

Pour ce/cette terminale qui a changé de coiffure le plus de fois pendant le lycée.

Bourse de Hamlet E. Bickering

Pour ce/cette terminale notoire pour être le/la plus grand(e) geignard(e).

Prix de Merp Merpson

Pour ce/cette terminale qui étudia dans ce lycée pendant au moins deux ans, sans jamais réussir à se distinguer d'une quelconque façon.

Coupe de Borfling T. Tinderson

Pour ce/cette étudiant(e) que les professeurs ont reconnu(e) comme l’auteur des compositions les plus ennuyeuses dans toute la promotion.

Coupe commémorative de Pol Kwoi Tai Chu

Pour ce/cette terminale d’extraction asiatique dont les parents refusent de lui permettre de retourner chez eux sans gagner de récompense.

Prix de Frère de Merpson

Pour ce/cette terminale qui arrive aux cours en retard le plus souvent sans être expulsé(e).

Prix de Herbert C. Biscuit

Pour ce/cette terminale qui a commandé à emporter le plus souvent au lieu d’aller à la cantine.

Bourse de Bradford N. Bobblehead

Pour ce/cette terminale qui a déjà plus de prix qu’il/elle ne peut en porter dans les bras.

Bourse de Hermania Suupkachalutt Vogh-Everson di Cioccolati

Pour ce/cette terminale qui porte le nom le plus long et/ou le plus « ethnique ».

Coupe de Barbara Kleinglass

Pour ce/cette terminale qui n’arrivait pas à « montrer » au lieu de « dire » dans ses compositions.  Venez me voir à la fin du cours.

Prix de Bob “M’sieur Peufiable” Olmsted

Pour ce/cette terminale ou ce groupe de terminales jugé(e) le/la plus responsable pour le pire scandale de l’alcool ou de drogue de l’année.

Comme toujours, n’hésites pas à me laisser un commentaire si j’ai fait une faute en français, ou si, par coïncidence, j’ai nommé la bourse fondée par ton arrière-grand-père.

...

ENGLISH

I recently had the honor of attending Sibling's graduation from high school.  The ceremonies and bluster lasted nearly a week.  I have to say, if I ever hear another speech that begins by defining a concept like "justice" or "time", or that includes a Dr. Seuss quote, I will stand up and projectile-vomit at the speaker.  Another side effect of this past week is that I am now immune to classical music.

During the Customary Awarding of Supplementary Prizes to the Same Five People, which had the audacity to further delay the final Relinquishing of the Diplomas, my mind wandered and I accidentally invented a slew of new awards. 

Sneed H. Bargleworth Scholarship

To be awarded to that member of the graduating class whose name would get the highest score in Scrabble.

Calvina B. Nerble Cup

To be awarded to that four-year senior who has changed his or hairstyle the most times during high school.

Hamlet E. Bickering Scholarship

For that senior widely recognized as the most whiny member of the graduating class.

Merp Merpson Award

Awarded to that senior who, having attended this high school for two or more years, has completely failed to distinguish him- or herself in any way.

Borfling T. Tinderson Cup

To be awarded to that student whom the faculty have recognized as the author of the most boring essays in the graduating class.

Wai Yu Fe-Il Memorial Cup

To be awarded to that senior of Asian descent whose parents will not let him or her return home without an award.

Sibling de Merpson Award

For that senior who has arrived late to class the most times without being suspended.

Herbert C. Biscuit Award

To be awarded to that senior who has ordered takeout instead of going to the dining hall the most times.

Bradford N. Bobblehead Scholarship

Awarded to that senior who already has more prizes than he or she can carry.

Hermania Suupkachalutt Vogh-Everson di Cioccolati Scholarship

To be awarded to that senior with the longest and/or most “ethnic” name.

Barbara Kleinglass Cup

For that member of the graduating class who most consistently “told” and did not “show” in his or her written assignments.  See me after class.

Bob “Ol’ Unreliable” Olmsted Award

For that senior or group of seniors deemed most responsible for the worst alcohol or drug scandal of the year.

As always, don’t hesitate to comment if I’ve made a mistake in French or if I’ve coincidentally named the scholarship that your great-grandfather founded.

New Markers, French Coffee, Nose Ring, and more

J’AI ACHETÉ DE NOUVEAUX STYLOS
I GOT NEW MARKERS

French coffee:  size vs. effect

Tu ressembles à celui-ci le jour où tu obtiens un anneau de nez...

mais tu as l’impression de ressembler à celui-là

“Ma famille d’accueil est formidable!  Je crois qu’ils m’aiment plus que vous m’aimez.”

“Ils ne sont obligés que te supporter un semestre.  Nous, nous t’avons pour la vie.”

“Ça n’aide pas votre côté, Maman et Papa.”

How to Clean Your Computer Screen

yuck...i have to clean my computer screen.

now that i'm standing up, i have to pee.

i'm hungry.  is there any muesli left?

darn, i forgot to put away my clothes that are dry.

but i have nowhere to fold them until i make my bed.

oh.  this is due tomorrow.

Utensils

This post was inspired by this summer's trip to England.  We visited a castle that was more than twice as old as anything that still exists in America.  After lying down for a bit to think about that, we proceeded to make fun of ALL OF IT.

Hitting Restart on the Funny Machine

Hello again!

This is Merp, broadcasting live from Merpsville.  This fall semester is going to be a busy one, but I intend to post weekly because that's the least often I can do it while still feeling proud of myself.  Summer vacation gave me tons of new material!  Especially the part that I spent in England with my family, which supplied a tonne and a half by itself.  All of this material is still in mad scribble form ("bagel cafe in forest reached by elevator") but I feel confident about Future Merp's work ethic.

So, have a safe trip back to school, young'uns.  Enjoy the peace and quiet, old'uns.  Nibble & Spew will be with you every step of the way.  Expect a new post within the week.

A Muffin of Sudden Clarity

So You Think You Can Park Here

This actually happened.  Except that I did not move my car.  I brazenly left it in the closest lot--a multistory lot with 2/3 of the spaces STILL FREE, mind you--while I sherpa'd from my room FIFTEEN TIMES.  I think this was a lose-lose situation.

Happy Easter!

Idea credit to Merp (Age 6).

He deals in dairy

Merp was hungry.  

Skyler possessed macaroni and cheese.  

Merp offered a transaction:  one dollar for a cup of "college gold".  

Skyler said that his goods were worth no less than $1.69 apiece.  

Merp tried to give Skyler coins.  

Skyler threw them in Merp's face, saying, "They will sit on my dresser and then I will lose them."  

Merp had to find another way to compensate.  Fortunately, the starving artist is never at a loss.